Steve Ashmore wanted something special for his significant other. But following the old Christmas carol would have been a costly mistake.

There’re just a few shopping days left until Christmas and I’ve been out looking for the perfect gift. Sure, I’ve been provided a list and it should be easy to walk into most any store and fill my stocking with those items. But this is for my true love and I wanted something special.


Naturally I thought of the old Christmas carol and wondered how hard it would be to procure some birds, jewelry, and people who don’t mind menial tasks. As it turns out, even buying them all at once has a pretty sporty price tag. And if you spread it out over the 12 days of Christmas with repeat offerings on subsequent days, you’re looking at a small fortune.


Partridges aren’t that expensive, they go for $20.18 this year according to PNC Financial Services Group. Unfortunately, pear trees are sold separately at $189.99. The turtle doves go for $300 a pair, kind of a bargain since they sold for $360 last Christmas. French hens and calling birds are the same price as last year and all seven of them will only cost you $781.46. Gold is up 10% this year so the golden rings are going for $8250. Geese are a little more expensive this year, but swans are the real deal breaker at $13,125. They cost more than the leaping lords that will only set you back $10,000.


Now if you only buy these once, like the last verse of the song, you’ll have to come up with $39,003.59. But you know that’s the cheap way out. So if you buy each gift the number of times they’re mentioned in the song, you’ll have 12 partridges, 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, etc. That’s 364 gifts over the course of 12 days. So I ask you, where would anyone find room to plant 12 pear trees? Forty golden rings? Come on, we only have 10 fingers. If you have 42 geese a laying surely your cholesterol would be through the roof with that many eggs. Forty maids a milking … where would you put all those cows?


And the total bill for this extravaganza would be $170,298.03 if you use brick-and-mortar stores. If you shop on-line the extra shipping brings your cost to $194,502.72.


Come to think of it, that new laptop she has on her list is looking pretty reasonable at this point.


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