I stared down at the package of false eyelashes lying innocuously on my bathroom counter. They looked like two creepy spiders vacuum-sealed in plastic. Nevertheless, they were certainly feathery, and lush, and longer than my eyelashes, so I figured, spiders or not, I was going to figure out how to glue them on my eyelids if it killed me.

Just as an aside, I had not arbitrarily decided to torture myself by applying false eyelashes for the first time. I had gotten an invitation to a big fancy event and immediately knew I was going to have to step up my usual makeup routine to fit in. I pondered my options and decided this might be the perfect opportunity to try out false eyelashes.

I thought it would make sense to practice a few times before the event so I didn’t end up accidentally gluing them to my forehead. So, I went out and got five different lashes to try and brought them home for my “Great False Eyelash Experiment.” I figured best case scenario, I would become a bonafide false eyelash pro, go to my event and have everyone swoon over my long and lustrous lashes. Worst case scenario, they would fall off and stick to my upper lip and everyone would call me Groucho for the night.

In an effort to learn from my mistakes, I decided to keep a journal of my eyelash efforts.

Day 1: For my first application, I thought I should try them out on someone other than myself, just to get the hang of it.
Conclusion: The dog looks amazing with false eyelashes.

Day 2: I took the next leap and tried them on myself. I did not do a great job with the eyelashes, but I did master the fine art of gluing one eye shut. This actually takes a great deal more talent than one would think. Helpful tip: Have an eyepatch on hand so you can disguise your mistake by pretending to be a pirate for a day.

Day 3: I got both eyelashes on both eyelids but forgot to trim them to normal proportions so it looked like there were caterpillars on both eyes. I realized this when my husband tried to swat them off my face.

Day 4: I managed to get them on correctly and decided to take them out for a trial run. But I noticed that people at the store kept looking at me really strangely. When I got home, I looked in the mirror, and saw that one of my false eyelashes had migrated up to my eyebrow.
Conclusion: Beautiful long eyelashes — pretty. Freakishly long eyebrow — not so much.

Day 5: My false eyelashes stayed in the right place for the whole day and I even slept in them to really test out their staying power. But one fell off during the night and scared the heck out of me the next morning when I woke up and thought there was a dead centipede on my pillow.
FYI: False eyelashes hold their shape even when thrown onto the floor and stomped on.

Day 6: I finally have a successful false eyelash experience. My eyes look awesome.
And, of course, so do the dog’s.

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